🐾 What It’s Like to Sleep Next to a Dog Who Thinks He’s Human

(A Love Letter to Squids the Sleep Tyrant)

Sharing a bed with a dog can be comforting, cozy, and sweet.
Unless that dog is Squids—my four-legged, snoring, sighing, pillow-hogging bedmate who is absolutely convinced he’s a person. Correction: the person.

Here’s what it’s like to sleep next to a dog who thinks he owns the bed (and me).

💤 The Nightly Ritual of Judgement

It starts the moment I shift in bed. One slight reposition to get comfortable, and I’m met with the most theatrical, soul-crushing sigh you’ve ever heard. It’s not just a sigh—it’s the canine version of an eye roll and a muttered “ugh, seriously?”

Then comes the pillow takeover. My pillow. Not his. He’ll slowly creep over, dramatically plop himself down, and spread out like a dramatic Victorian fainting lady. Bonus points if he wedges his butt near my face.

😑 Sleeping With a Drama King

Let’s be clear: Squids don’t just sleep. He sprawls. Sideways, upside down, diagonally—whatever takes up the maximum amount of space while leaving me and his other human clinging to the edge like we are surviving a shipwreck.

He insists on sleeping the wrong way, usually with his paws in my face or his entire body stretched across my head. If I try to move him, he flops down heavier. Like a bag of wet cement. Unbothered. Unapologetic.

😴 Snores, Sighs, and Midnight Mayhem

Squids snores. Right in my ear.
I sleep with earplugs. I can still hear him. It’s like sleeping next to a chainsaw in sleep mode.

And when I try to gently wake him or nudge him away from my face, he groans or sighs—like I’m the one being unreasonable.

💨 The Dutch Oven Dilemma

Let’s talk about the farts.

They are stealthy. They are deadly. They are frequent.
If I mistakenly tuck my blanket around his body, he turns into a Dutch oven of despair. Sometimes I wake up gagging, while he sleeps like an angel—completely unfazed by his own biological warfare.

🐾 Midnight Acrobatics

Squids doesn’t just stay in bed—he leaves in the middle of the night and returns with zero grace. Instead of walking around and hopping up like a normal dog, he chooses to step directly on my stomach to get back in. Every time. No hesitation. No shame.

😘 But Would I Trade Him? Never.

He might be a snoring, farting, pillow-stealing tyrant, but he’s also my shadow, my bedtime buddy, and my personal heater.

Every sigh, snore, and rude midnight stomp is a reminder that this weird little guy trusts me enough to be his safe space. Even if that means I get 3 inches of bed and wake up marinated in dog breath.

Love you, Squids… even if you’re a bed hog with zero chill.

🐙 Squids’ Sleep Style Rating Chart 🐙

Pillow Prince of the Night

Click this >Meet the Dogs! (At the bottom of that page)