Feets is my Velcro dog. If you’re unfamiliar with the term, just imagine a dog so emotionally attached that they make eye contact while you pee. That’s Feets. He’s not just near me — he’s on me, against me, and occasionally smothering me in my sleep out of pure affection (I think).
The Jealous Lover
While Feets may be my tiny shadow, he is also deeply invested in the drama of bedtime politics. He’s got beef with Squids and Noodle. Especially when they get too close to my significant human. Feets will curl up next to him like it’s no big deal — but make no mistake — he’ll shoot me these side-eyes while getting pet, like, “Look at this. Look at what you’re missing. Don’t you wish you were petting me right now?”
This isn’t sleep. This is a power play.
No Blankets, No Problem
Feets is a long-haired Dachshund, which basically means he’s a walking heating pad with legs. Unlike Marbles and Noodle, who could live under a blanket fort forever, Feets gets too warm. He does not like to be covered. Not a blanket. Not a sheet. Not even a corner of a throw.
He used to sleep by my head, tucked against the wall where it’s cooler and safe from the chaos below. It was his prime real estate. His kingdom. Until Squids took over like a tiny fluffy dictator. Now? Feets has been demoted to the middle of the bed — an emotional blow he has not recovered from.
A Face Full of Love
Every so often, in the dead of night, Feets will climb up my chest, inch closer and closer, and then… just lie on my face. Full-on smother mode. Not gently. Not gracefully. Like a slightly overweight scarf made of stubbornness and dog breath.
But I know he means well. He’s not trying to end me. He just wants to protect me from the harsh realities of life. He doesn’t realize I already lived a whole life before he came along. I’ve seen things. I’ve done things. I’ve slept with dogs before. But Feets? Feets loves like he’s the only dog I’ve ever had — and he’s determined to keep it that way.
Final Thoughts (While I Gasp for Air)
Sleeping with Feets is like being adored by a clingy, overly warm teddy bear with a jealous streak. He’s intense. He’s dramatic. He’s possessive. But mostly, he’s mine — and honestly, I wouldn’t trade his midnight smother sessions or his little grumpy sighs for anything.
Unless he tries to sit on my face again. Then all bets are off.
💤 Feets’ Sleep Style Rating Chart 💤
| Category | Rating (Out of 5 🦴) | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Clinginess | 🦴🦴🦴🦴🦴 | Full Velcro mode. Will stare into your soul and follow you into the bathroom. |
| Personal Space Respect | 🦴 | Feets does not understand boundaries. He is the boundary. |
| Temperature Tolerance | 🦴🦴 | He runs hot. No blankets. No snuggles after midnight. Has a strict internal thermostat. |
| Noise Level | 🦴🦴🦴 | Occasional sighs of disappointment and passive-aggressive repositioning. |
| Likelihood of Smothering | 🦴🦴🦴🦴🦴 | 100%. Face will be used as a pillow. Motivation: love or slow suffocation. Hard to tell. |
| Jealousy Level | 🦴🦴🦴🦴🦴 | Stares daggers at Noodle and Squids. Lives for petty bedtime drama. |
| Cuddle Factor (when not overheated) | 🦴🦴🦴🦴 | Cuddly when cool. Will abandon you the moment he warms up. |
| Socks/Earplug Theft | 🦴 | Surprisingly respectful. He’s got other priorities — like your face. |
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